Every year I set goals. And a lot of people have already said “what do you want to achieve in 2019?” my answer:
“to have less breakdowns”
It’s your typical #jokingnotjoking mental health comment that you say so deadpan, followed up with an awkward “ha ha ha” laugh, before going on to say “only joking, I wanna lose 10lbs!” (I don’t) and everyone lets out a sigh of relief that you’re “normal” just like them. Although I’m not joking. Less breakdowns would be pretty nice to be honest. I’ve been feeling really good again for a few months now, but in an effort to not lose my shit throughout 2019, I’ve decided to take the pressure off a little bit. I’m not setting any goals for 2019. Goals, resolutions, whatever you want to call them. I’m calling time on them. At least, for now.
I’ve always been a goals-based person – but I think that’s natural. Just look at the way schools are based on assessments (and when you were a geeky high achiever like myself, it becomes ingrained in you). It’s always been about achievement. How can I do more, how can I BE more? So it’s scary not making them. Yes I may have a few things in the back of my head that I want to try and I want to achieve but I’m not going into the new year thinking I’ve got to earn this much, I need to get this many followers, and I need to increase my IG engagement.
This year I learnt a lot about myself – one thing was understanding the insurmountable pressure I put upon myself with everything. The pressure to be “perfect” – whatever that may mean. And I began to buckle under it so much I stopped enjoying life. When you constantly focus on the things that you want to achieve, you lose sight of the things that you have already achieved.
But in all seriousness, I think it comes down to reassessing what success is. I had a moment in the summer with my friend where I said “I am working my dream job. I have succeeded in what I wanted to do and I still feel like something is missing and I still feel so hollow” – and I think it’s because I lost sight of myself, my happiness, and what success means for me.
Success was all about work goals, money, and materialistic gain. And yes, buying a nice designer bag or a nice new coat here and there does feel good, who are we to pretend? But when you focus all of your attention on that, you let your emotional wellbeing fall behind. I was probably filling my voids in happiness with Valentino. Yeah it fixes the problem for a little while, but it comes back. So I think perhaps I’ll start 2019 with no real goals. I’ve got ideas of things I’d like to do, but by listing them as a goal it makes it easier to fail. Instead, I’m going into this year with no pressures, just the aim of working on my own wellbeing and being happy with myself. Maybe, that way, I’ll feel more proud of my achievements and successes, instead of seeing them as just another tick in the box – because that’s another thing, I never allow myself to actually feel proud of what I’ve done because my sights are always set on the next big goal.
If there is one goal I will set it’s to really work on myself. I put myself down so much, I need to stop thinking “I’m not good enough for that” and start thinking “is that good enough for me?” – and I challenge you to do that too. At dinner the other week a friend said I needed to focus on self-love in 2019. And not necessarily when it comes to looks. He just told me “I wish you could see yourself for who you really are instead of what you are not, because there’s so much there”. Value yourself. But it’s a goal that can’t be ticked off, it’ll be a work in progress.
So for someone who is so goals based, it’s kind of scary to not have any. It makes me feel in part like I’m already failing because I feel like I’ve got nothing to work towards. But part of me knows how liberating it is. Set the bar low with no goals and anything you achieve is a win, no??
Got out of bed and went for a run – amazing!
Didn’t cry at dogs trust advert – amazing!
See, I feel better about the year already. I’m already winning at 2019
Coat – Stand Official, tights – Calzedonia, Boots – Louis Vuitton, Skirt – Topshop, Jumper – & Other Stories, Bag – Chanel