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Is My Job Cockblocking Me?

One of the common misconceptions about me and my job is that I have guys sliding into my DM’s left, right and centre asking me out. “You must get so many guys asking you out all of the time!” people have said. Well, ha ha ha ha hahahaha ha ha.

ha.

I’m flattered – I really really always am, that people think this. I must be doing something right. But no. This is absolutely not the case. Yes, I do get guys sliding into my DM’s – strangers from the other side of the world asking for marriage (or in one case: “a marriage for visa to work in the UK”), sending photos of flowers/ selfies/ their genitals (fucking ew), video chat requests – in fact, I think any female who has an Instagram account gets all of this. Just the influx of it increases proportionately with the amount of followers you have. But of course, when people think I must have men sliding into my dm’s on the regs, what I receive are not the kind of messages people really have in mind…

In fact, it may come as a surprise to some people that my job is actually a total cockblock when it comes to meeting men. I had far better luck in that department before this was my full-time career (although, that may also be because I’ve raised my standards since then… but y’know..) I remember being asked on an Instagram Q&A if this job made it difficult to find and sustain a relationship and the truth is it does. I haven’t really been looking, per se, but I’ve definitely found any opportunities haven’t gone as well and my job has been the reason why. People don’t take your job seriously. Especially men. A lot of it annoyingly comes down to what do men think this job is?

I can tell you:

Most, at first, think you are an Instagram model. A wannabe model, potentially a little self-obsessed, but probably hot enough to support the perceived narcissism. They think it’s cute that you take photos of yourself – although they’re slightly concerned that if they continue to date you, you might ask them to take a photo of you. But still, it’s cute. SO cute! Very girly and adorable. You probably have rich parents that support you because they have no idea how you make money from this. You probably didn’t do that well in school. But still, cute! Pretty girl! Really loves clothes. Cute!

At worst, they see you as a total nightmare narcissist. A soulless self-obsessed selfie queen that might be good use to them simply for the sake of a one-time shag to tell their mates about (lest they share your Instagram profile and story screenshots in the group Whatsapp to rip into afterwards), someone who comes with a lifetime supply of  teeth whitener and probably struggles with repetitive strain from liking so many photos. Spoilt brat. Attention-seeking. Demanding. Vain. Diva. Self-obsessed. Wait, did I already say that?

They rarely see beyond that – unless they work in a similar industry. And to be honest, you can’t exactly blame them: many guys haven’t got a clue how the money-making side of it works and often admit that straight up. The most common users of Instagram are females – they interact more, they engage more, they follow more and they use more. So the most your average guy sees of #ads and paid partnerships with is probably a meme on the internet rinsing somebody from Love Island for it.

Seeing the business side of it immediately doesn’t come easy, and it’s rare to find someone who views you as a person running their own company, managing campaigns, being your own personal art director to campaigns, pay negotiator, analyst, writer, video editor, presenter, accountant, debt collector, best-friend on the net, and etc etc etc. You’re more likely to be seen as a blagger rather than a grafter.

But then, that’s kind of the boring side of it? Who wants to talk about tax returns on a date or how you found this really cool self accountancy software? SEE it’s so boring I probably almost lost you on that sentence!!

I’ve always struggled with being able to value myself as an influencer when it’s a role that’s looked down upon by so so many – but I’m beginning to get over it because I’m living my best life, I actually love what I do and I’m learning to stop caring so much what others think of me. But what annoys me is that I’m still getting to grasps with the need to constantly prove my worth to men over my job. I can’t help but think that equality may play into it a little bit.

Then – from my own experiences, anyway – when guys do actually realise every thing that you do and exactly how much goes into this whole job of being an influencer, they get kind of scared. Intimidated or whatever. I hate to bring it up, but a lot of men say they want an independent woman that can support and look after herself. But when they actually get one, they hate it. They’re in love with the idea of this woman who is fiery and pays for herself at the table – and pays for them, often, too. Equal. But when the reality hits in that she’s not always around, not always accessible, and she is always putting herself and her work first rather than him, they quickly lose interest. And think you’re selfish. Or they want an independent strong feisty ambitions career woman – until they find out she earns more than him. I really do think stereotypical gender roles end up playing into it – wanting to be the breadwinner, wanting to feel like they can support and care for you, and knowing you rely on them.

Case in point: my ex. He said he loved my ambition when he met me, in fact, he pushed me to take my blog full time. But then a few months after doing so, one of the reasons he cited for breaking up with me was “I need to be someone’s number one priority in their life but I’m always coming second to your job. I just can’t deal with your job anymore” – well fucking duh, I’m 25 and running my own effing business, as if you were ever coming before that babe. They’re in love with the idea of this kind of woman, but not the reality of her.  One guy even said to me “Sophie you’ve just got your shit together too much. What can I really bring to your life that you don’t already have?” –

Erm… More orgasms. And pancakes. You can bring me both?

It’s as if a person’s worth lies only in the ability to complete somebody else. Be ambitious, but not too ambitious because it’s intimidating. Be hot, but not so hot that you’re a narcissist. Earn lots of money – but don’t earn more than them.

It doesn’t help that I swear 90% of influencers are in relationships. (Ok, I made up that figure but I think it’s a pretty accurate estimate..) and the majority have been together since before they started. So partners have seen people grow, learn things, and actually really fucking respect the graft that goes into it – and also, in so many cases, really support them doing so.

So where does this leave me? Disillusioned by dating apps and lying to any potential man about what I do for a career in fear of his judgement/ intimidation? Posts like this always seem to get “nice guys” crawling out of the woodwork to put the blame on me and tell me I’m going for the wrong men (often before they’ve even read the whole blog post…) because you know, obviously the problem lies with me here (eye roll) But when it becomes a reoccurring pattern with most guys you meet, I can’t help but think the problem might not be with me but with them.

To put the shoe on the other foot, my dear friend Carl, male influencer at CarlThomspon.co.uk, was quite literally shooketh when I told him the general male reaction to my job. “It’s like the complete opposite for guys. When you tell girls what you do and they see your Instagram profile it’s like they just want to get in your pants”  – Is it because it is generally more of a female-dominated career that they relate so much? Is it because they can foresee this instaguy taking some 10/10 holiday photos of them in the future? I don’t know! I literally do not know.

Maybe those DM’s of marriage proposals don’t seem so bleak after all…

I’d love to know your thoughts on what you think about it all?

10 comments so far.

10 responses to “Is My Job Cockblocking Me?”

  1. Maggie Silva says:

    First of all I love all your posts about girl talk, you’re a Carrie Bradshaw on the way 😀
    Second, I’m a designer, I think I do not earn a lot but I absolute earn above average, and I feel some things that you said. Guys try to decrease my job saying I am just lucky to earn that much, that I just “play with photoshop all day”, and that “they know how to use photoshop so totally can do my work”. I’m 25 too, I have a lot of independence at my job and can take a lot of decisions, if that come to the talk, guys always think I’m too much, I already have my sh*t together, I travel too much alone, I go to concerts across Europe, as they said “I do not need them”. No I don’t, but isn’t better if I just want a guy to be with me? And not be with a guy because I need?? They dream about a powerful women but God free them to get a powerful women!
    Greetings from Portugal!

  2. Ev says:

    I feel like when I tell a guy that I write on the side to my day job or they see my Instagram profile both business/personal they think I’m either self obsessed or too busy for a relationship. Most common line is, ‘you post on Insta so much’. Yes hun!

    I think the early part of that statement being most truest. I think guys, think I’m vain, self obsessed narcissist when the truth is, no i just love writing and producing content for my platforms. Guys, I think claim they want confident women but when they strike up they get scared and go running back to the others…

  3. After reading about this article I agree with you. People don’t understand about this job and how hard it is. Men want girls with success but when they see how hard it is to run your own business and how passionate you are and how important it is to have everything done in time and they get less attention because your work is a priority, they don’t like it. I understand how hard could be to meet a guy and find the perfect partner, someone who understands your job and gives you your space. Of course, they want an independent woman who earns her own money and takes cares of herself but they don’t like “too independent” woman, they want to be the priority… they should understand that job is not a priority and also they are not the priority. Mostly, in this case, being an influencer it requires dedicating more time to work because you are self-employed and you run your own business so that means that you have to do everything on your own but sometimes there is time when the partner is the priority.
    In conclusion, it is not that work is a priority, but that sometimes, not to mention the majority, we have to dedicate more time to work. Men should understand that prioritizing work does not mean that they care less, and they must also know that there are times when work is a priority and times when the couple is a priority. So if you have not yet found the perfect man that does not mean that you are looking bad or that you are the problem, if not that men should realize how it works and how is the reality of an influencer and do their part to understand it and know how to take a relationship.

  4. Kendelle says:

    I’d probably say that this happens in whatever industry you succeed in as a woman. I’m confident, independent and know what I want. I work long hours and don’t apologise for that because it’s part of my job. I don’t necessarily earn more, but I sure do have more money in the bank (savings pro over here). But none of that is ever appealing to the guys you describe (and I work in Finance, so up that sleaze dial and add a huge ego).
    In saying that, when you wade through the immature ones, I’ve found that the ones that get you are the ones who are like you. You want the ambitious dude, who works big hours (or runs his own business or is vying for partnership) because you don’t have to apologise. Having a spouse who gets it and supports you is so satisfying.

  5. Julie says:

    Amen sister!! It’s such a catch 22.
    Ok so I started following you before I went to London this past summer because you posted from such chic spots in the city. What I have come to realize since then, is that you not only have your finger on the pulse of London, but you are also honest, vulnerable, and confident too… all while being super put together and absolutely fabulous. It’s a mix that leads to exactly what you are talking about. Beautiful girl who is successful and smart? Men, and their fragile egos, are intimidated.

    I have also experienced the “you’re so intimidating “ conversations so so many times, and sometimes I find myself wishing I wasn’t so fiercely independent, and focused on my job. I also wonder if it’s just something they say? Well over the years I have learned that it’s a real thing. And in weak moments I decide that I don’t want to be that girl.
    But then I snap out of it and remember that I, (and I’m guessing you) could never actually be happy being the girl who just goes with the flow, or the girl who is the opposite of who you are. Why are men attracted to that girl? Well that’s another conversation for another time 🙂

    Keep being your awesome self, and some day a man will love every single part of you. Embrace this time- because some day you will long for the blissful moments where you were physically alone, yet far from lonely… because you were just happy being you. ❤️
    Think of it like this… and this is what my friend tells me all the time: you could have a boyfriend right now if you wanted one. You break hearts all the time! You are just saving your precious time for someone who is worthy- and rightfully so! But Why is it taking so long??? Girl… who knows. But he is out there, and he is going to be a special guy. And when it happens you know that you’ll be more than ready when he comes around the corner.
    Have a beautiful day! Xxoo
    -Julie

  6. Izzy says:

    I love that you’ve written this! It’s something that I’ve been scared about facing if my boyfriend an I were ever to break up haha isn’t that a hit thing to worry about? 😂
    The fear of not being taken seriously or listened to or valued. Our jobs are so easy for men to take the piss out of because it does look so glamour outs and frivolous from the outside.
    I hope you keep smashing it in the blogging world Sophie, I love how you don’t lower your work ethic to please a guy!
    X Izzy http://www.izzywears.com

  7. Joëlle Regh says:

    Sophie, I absolutely loved this blog post. First of all, great pictures. Second of all, amazing content! I’m not where you’re at now, but I’m working my way there. But one constant response on a dating app is “why are you on here? You’re way to pretty.” Aka something must be wrong with me for being single? No, I’m just so busy and go after my goals, and dating apps are the only way to meet nowadays. I’d rather do my blogging career with a girlfriend, because like you said, women get this! You are amazing, and thank you for sharing this with us!
    xx Joëlle
    http://www.joellesstyle.com

  8. Janina says:

    Hi Sophie,

    I was single for a long time before I met my lovely boyfriend. I know how hard dating is, also when you’re not an influencer. I always thought that it’s my fault when the dating ended. But you are so right, it’s the boys fault and most of them are so shitty! Instagram model and influencers doesn’t sound that well, I agree. But self employed, business owner or manager of a blog would sound great, in my opinion. What I think is really strange is that your male blogger colleague gets so many girls by telling them he is an influencer.

    Keep going girl! xoxo Janina

    http://www.janinaloves.com/

  9. Natoya says:

    Lmao orgasms and pancakes. I’ll just have the pancakes and tea, to go with them lol. Men are always going to be sizing up (err yeah) the competition against women. Most men don’t believe in equality. They might like you to think, they are modern enough to go along with that idea. But lets face it, their balls just can’t cope, with the idea of a woman running her own damn show.

    Your not wrong in saying most female influencers, have partners (myself included, boyfriend 14 & 1/2 years and counting) So he has seen me start this venture, and has landed himself the role of amateur fashion photographer lol. A lot of the male influencers with partners, have gotten big time opportunities, and new careers through their partners.

    Your 25, you’ve still got a lot of time to find the one, that matches you and can handle that women boss. And can hand out orgasms and pancakes like no tomorrow : ).

    I love your outfit too cute. My fave is the jumper, watch, bangle, bag, shoes, sunglasses, did I say I love your outfit : ) xo

    Natoya

    http://www.juanitalikes.com

  10. Cat says:

    Honestly, I don’t see a day where I find someone I relate to more than you! You’re so right though, I feel like some men just can’t handle a woman who kills the game in her job! And a great job defffffinelty doesn’t equate to good sex aha! You look great here as well, if I was a guy I’d date ya x

    http://www.thiscatspyjamas.co.uk

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