DISCLAIMER: all of these photos were taken when I still had fillers in (and so will all of the upcoming photos in the next blog post – I have a backlog!)
Sunday: it’s time for your weekly dispatch on wtf has actually been going on IRL this week. Last week I wrote this in bed and it was raining and I had my window open and a jumper on- actual bliss?! This week I’m still in bed but my window is wide open and the fan is on because the heatwave is back with a vengeance. But enough about the weather! This week has been borderline traumatic. Why? To start, I was on my period and I get very very sensitive and emotional. I woke up Monday morning after a sleep that was choked with nightmares and it set the week off badly – not what I needed when I was getting my lip fillers dissolved. In doing that, I realised the issue that I’ve realised before: you literally cannot please everyone! So don’t even bother! And then after spending the past two nights with friends, it’s becoming clear how much we need to check-in with each other but also be able to feel like we can rely on others without being a burden. Let’s dive right in shall we?
No, this was not the influence of Kylie Jenner, but more because I was unhappy with the size, shape and lumps in my top lip. I booked in around 9 weeks ago to get my lips dissolved by one of the best doctors out there for aesthetic treatments – and to get them redone very subtly by him in 10 days time from now. I’ve got an upcoming blog post going through the more emotional side of the experience, and my issues with insecurities and fillers – it’s quite a #deep one so stay tuned for that. So I’m just going to talk you through the physical process of it all.
Fillers are made of hyaluronic acid – something that actually occurs naturally in your body anyway and dissolves over time – and say if you’re unhappy with the result, be it that they don’t suit you or it’s a bit of a botched job, you can get them dissolved with hyaluronidase – an enzyme which speeds up the degradation of the filler so quickly that they’re basically gone in a day. I had that injected in my lips.
I’m not going to lie – I was emotional. Like I said, I was on my period anyway, but also my lips have been a safety blanket and given me so much needed confidence from the old, insecure me that I used to be (I’ll be going into this sob story in next weeks filler post) so having to get it removed was really anxiety-inducing. I cried a tiny bit when the first injections went in my lower lip – not because it hurt but because I was scared of transforming into a hideous monster straight after (insecurities will do that to a gal.) If you’ve had lip fillers, it feels basically a bit like getting lip fillers done but with a more tingly sensation. The bottom lip was fine as there was hardly any filler in there – but the most painful bit was around my cupids bow as that’s where the most filler was that had been causing the issue with over-projection. My doctor massaged the top and said he could feel all of the lumps inside dissolving – an issue which if I’m honest I’d totally forgotten about. But thank god.
So I went home, watched my lips balloon to a ridiculous size and then shrink and shrivel to wizened little prunes over the space of 24 hours. One thing I wasn’t expecting was for my top lip to look wrinkled. For everyone telling me how nice my lips looked via DM on Instagram – you couldn’t see the texture because the iPhone Insta story quality really isn’t that great but dear god, I have the top lip of a 60 year old. I was told this wouldn’t happen – that my lip wouldn’t look saggy or wrinkly because I am young and my skin will bounce back. But my lip literally looked like you’d picked up a packet of dried fruit from Holland and Barrett. I think it’s starting to look a little bit better – or maybe I’m just getting used to it? But I’ve been told eye-cream and collagen-boosting products really help out.
But I am much happier right now in a way – but I’m not exactly happy with my reflection as it stands. I’m just relieved I’m in the process of fixing something I don’t like about myself – which I caused myself. Fool! And despite people telling me not to, I’m getting a natural-looking enhancement in around 10 days because I’m not happy with how my lips look now and I wasn’t before I started having filler. Reactions were mostly positive – although mixed in delivery at times. Which leads me nicely on to the topic of…
In fact, the reaction to the deletion of my lip fillers was overwhelmingly positive which I’m grateful for, but there was still a surprising mixed reaction of “you look SO much better” and “omg you look amazing DON’T YOU DARE HAVE FILLER AGAIN” and “nooo your lips were so perfect why would you do this!!!!” and “You look gorgeous with or without – just do what makes you feel like the best you!” (to anyone who DM’d me saying something on the lines of this last one, I LOVE YOU! You are the amazing kind of woman this world needs more of and I pray that I bump into you in a night club toilet after being dumped because you’re the kind of girls who will help reapply my makeup and buy me a tequila shot to make me feel better. The other reactions highlighted one thing for me:
I had me thinking back to a tweet about shoes that I did. Whenever I wear my Gucci shoes I get people moaning about me wearing them too much – taking the piss about how I can’t afford to buy another pair and that they are my only ones. Ha ha lol. Not. But when I buy new ones, some other people moan I over-consume. And I saw Megan Ellaby tweet something similar echoing a situation. It had me thinking you just can’t please everyone. Ever. Especially in a world full of keyboard warriors, opinion over-sharers who are all to ready to chime in with something they feel is utterly necessary to tell you. More and more I put myself in situations where I feel I’m trying to cater for what others want over my own happiness, and when I do, I offend someone else somehow. Or someone disagrees with what I say or do. It seems almost impossible to do something without someone telling you you’re wrong or unfollowing you for it. So you know what? Fuck it. Literally fuck it. I’m bored of trying to please everyone else and never succeeding. It sounds so stupid doesn’t it? I mean, imagine how boring the world would be if we did all want the same thing all of the time? But from now on, I’m going to do what I want and just please myself – making sure I continue to simply be kind to others in the process. And if people don’t like it, or disagree, I’ve done my best to serve myself and others, so it’s their problem not mine.
The state of your mid-late twenties goes a little like this: all of your friends are having mental breakdowns around you and the only way you can deal with it is laugh about it because otherwise you might cry. It seems a lot of my friends are struggling with the pressures we’re facing – lack of career satisfaction, pressure of studying alongside working, relationships, whether to buy, trying to SAVE to buy when your salary is shit, loneliness and isolation. We all struggle – and some of us cope better than others. I did have a shit week. I’ve got a lot of things going on in my personal life that I’m trying hard to process and deal with on a daily basis – and that’s before I even start with pressures of work. And I’m terrible at asking people for help. I’m so used to being independent and self-sufficient, and I get scared to ask others to hold my hand in situations because I’m scared I will be a burden and that they won’t want to – and that level of friendship rejection hurts. But on Friday night I struggled, so I asked if my friend could come over and keep me company. And do you know what? She said a similar thing. She said she was worried about asking us to come over because she doesn’t want to be a burden. When she said it I was like OMG I RELATE but at the same time I was like whaaaat girl I would ALWAYS have your back and be at yours in a heartbeat whenever you need me – no question. It’s not even help that’s needed, it’s sometimes just company – to get yourself out of your own head when you’re stressed out.
Why are we so afraid to rely on each other? Is it because we’re so used to a level of independence, or an old school British stiff upper lip? Is it because we’re scared of facing our own feelings? Scared of being rejected and unwanted by the people that matter to us most? There’s a lot more to this – it only just touches on a couple of issues with mental health. But please don’t be afraid to reach out to your friends if you’re struggling – they will want to be there for you. And please reach out to your friends and check in with them too – they might want to reach out for help but be a little too scared to ask.
Peace out, namaste, xoxo
Photography by Bethany Elstone. Dress is Revolve – Espadrilles are Castaner – Bag is Mango