Hey. Remember me? I used to write sassy blog posts about #relatable shit that mattered, with a bit of style inspo thrown in for good measure. I set myself a New Year’s Resolution to blog twice weekly, and like tradition with all New Year’s Resolutions, I resolutely failed. I’ve been in a totally weird mental space the past few months. Focusing on my career – Instagram, YouTube and the Podcast all taking priority over the blog.
The truth is, I’ve started to feel a little bit like I lack identity or value in what I do. With the weather warming up, so has my social life (can I get an AMEN?!) and I’ve actually been venturing into real life bars and spoken to real life humans and even REAL LIFE MEN… rather than sat dm’ing internet compadres all day everyday. And when the inevitable question pops up of “what do you do for a living?” I always freeze, get hella shifty, and the awkward silence usually lingers and I see their brains forming the word “escort” as they eye up my designer bags and shoes.
– I eventually blurt out.
It’s become my default. You know I hate saying the term influencer – it always ensures an eye roll or a fake smile and nod before they pretend to have seen their mate at the other side of the bar and walk away. So naturally, I never say influencer. I say I do a podcast, and all that “social media thing.” I can’t really tell them I’m a blogger because, well, I hardly ever blog anymore? It feels like a dirty lie and then I start to feel guilty about neglecting my true passion – writing.
The majority of you reading this probably know exactly the hard work that goes into being a blogger/ influencer/ social media person, because I know a lot of you guys do it too, but it’s still largely a job which is looked down upon by so many others as a total blag. So when people ask what I do for a living, I tell them I do a podcast first of all because I want them to take me seriously, and it sounds more intelligent than “I post pictures on Instagram for money” – because no matter how much I stand there and defend how much work goes into digital content creation, I can guarantee you that “I post pictures on Instagram for money” is all that they are going to hear.
And it’s a weird one, because this lack of respect that the job receives has infiltrated my own psyche and my confidence and sense of worth. After all, it’s hard to value yourself when others don’t value you. I had this exact conversation with a guy at a house party quite recently, where luckily he totally had my back and said he really respected the hard work involved, only for his mate to come over and say “I think it’s SO cool that you’re an Instagram model”
For fuck’s sake. I haven’t done two damn journalism degrees and spent years building a profile, writing, doing YouTube just to be called an effing Instagram model.
The thing is, I am a writer. First and foremost. I’ve always loved it. It’s the reason why I started this blog in the first place. And my neglect to my blog became like a niggling sensation of guilt. It’s almost a little bit like going to the gym. The longer you stay away, the harder it is to get back in to it and make yourself go again. It’s felt exactly the same. Every day I’m thinking “oh I’ll do it tomorrow” or “I’ll pick it up again next week!” – that turned into “well, does anyone even care anyway?” – which is one of the main reasons why I almost never started this blog in the first place!
And then, we can’t forget the fact of the state of the internet. It’s so hard to write things without offending someone in some way. I feel I’m in constant overthinking mode, and have to triple-filter my tweets and my real life words so that I don’t piss people off or come across badly. Noted – not everyone has the same opinion. It’s just that everyone can be so quick to criticise you when you have a platform. I’m not even an offensive person anyway! But this fear has held me back from writing on topics I feel so deeply passionate about.
Perfectionism, too, is such a problem. I’ve mentioned it over and over again, but it stops me from posting because I’m constantly worrying it’s just not good enough. But good enough is often much greater than I think it is.
But I need to put all of this aside, and get back to the root of why I even started blogging – because I love writing. After chatting to a life coach, I’m dedicating an evening every week simply to writing. I need to learn to value myself and what I do better, for myself, not just so that I have more of a legitimate job to tell people about when they ask what I do for work – so here I am. I’m back (I hope…)